My 51st birthday came and went this week, but I’ve never been much of a birthday celebrator. I remember asking to not bother with a party for my 10th birthday and I really haven’t had one since1.
God knows it isn’t because I dislike being the center of attention, but I think in a weird way it’s because birthdays feel like such an arbitrary reason to be the center of attention.
I didn’t distinguish myself, I just failed to die again before October 10.
What’s amusing is how much joy I get out of other people celebrating their birthdays. I would never proclaim my own birthday month or a birthday weekend, but I will participate in yours with unbounded enthusiasm, except on Facebook.
Social media birthdays are a phenomenon that both terrifies me and also gives me hope. I’ve been trying to extricate myself from Facebook for a while now. I use it for work a lot because people won’t answer emails from strangers but will absolutely respond to a question on Facebook Messenger.
I also use it to stalk subjects of stories and potential stories. I’ve even used it to mine stories worth reporting on. I’m not a scroller though. I use Twitter for that.
The one day each year that I do get on Facebook to scroll is Oct. 11, so that I can go through the list of people who have wished me a Happy Birthday and “Like” all their good wishes.
Facebook birthdays are a lot like Christmas cards. I don’t send birthday wishes out, but every year I still get birthday wishes in return.
What I realize when I get Christmas cards every year is that the people who send them genuinely like sending Christmas cards, and they genuinely want me to have one.
I am (obviously) the last person on Earth who can begrudge sending people mail because it makes them feel happy, but more than that is going on with Christmas cards.
There are people who keep lists and eventually drop the people who don’t send cards in return. Lots of people do this and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s essentially acknowledging that some correspondents don’t want to play the game.
There are other people, though, who only add and never subtract. If you send them a Christmas card once, they’re sending you one forever. And I gotta say they’re nice to get.
I don’t believe I’ve sent a Christmas card blast in more than a decade, and I have never sent them two years in a row. It wasn’t (and isn’t) ever top of mind for me.
All that is to say that I still get a ton of cards, and I still appreciate them. It’s all upside. I have no idea when I fall off someone’s list for non-participation and wouldn’t be offended by the fact if I ever noticed.
Facebook Birthdays Are Different
With birthdays, though, Facebook both reminds and pressures us to say something. It’s a soft sell, true, but that’s what makes it feel a little insidious. Once we know it’s someone’s birthday it feels rude not to say anything. It takes no effort on one’s part to say “Happy Birthday” and could very well make the recipient feel one degree better.
There’s certainly no harm in that.
But just as it feels rude to not acknowledge someone’s birthday when you can do it so easily, it feels a little rude not to say “Thank You” to each of the wishes. Some people make the effort to say something personal, which makes not responding feel barbaric.
That’s why I wait until Oct. 11. Facebook provides me a handy list of everyone who said “Happy Birthday” and I thank them all at once, rather than go down the list clicking “Like” on every “Happy Birthday” which is way less appealing to me even than getting 53 spankings (one for good measure, one for good luck) and a pinch to grow an inch.
LinkedIn has it nailed. People press a button that says “Happy Birthday” and you press a button that says “Thank you!” but I wonder about that as well.
There are several LinkedIn people who, when I scroll back at our message history, have always pushed the “Happy Birthday” button. That means it’s part of their morning ritual, pushing “Happy Birthday” buttons like rats in mazes.
Even better, this year my birthday was on a Sunday which meant that I got a flood of LinkedIn birthday wishes Monday morning (I guess LinkedIn isn’t a weekend social media channel for people).
What I want to think about, though, is the pressure we endure to participate. Setting aside the “rats in mazes” LinkedIn example, I think the fact that we still want to be polite in at least one online activity is notable.
Sure, we might find one another’s politics abominable and the reasoning behind them faulty to the point of childishness. And we might express that in no uncertain terms on Facebook.
I, for a fact, hate each and every one of your memes to pieces.
But beyond all of that, I like you (or at least am willing to like you ((or at least am not willing to be rude to you when it comes to birthday celebrations))).
In that way, birthdays are even better than Christmas. They’re a universal opportunity to express goodwill without qualms, embarrassment, or strings attached. They’re a little reminder that it’s pretty easy to just be brief and be nice online and that it takes very, very little effort.
Keep the Faith,
Tony
I’ve been working on my audiobook all this week, so I haven’t written much. I’ve got a bunch of stuff cooking for the next couple of weeks, though, including a new podcast and an essay about why the Eastern Shore sucks for Halloween (Spoiler: religious hypocrisy).
My wife threw me a 40th and threatened a 50th but that one got Covided.