Hold the Mayo

And other vignettes

OK, I’m going with a couple of vignettes this week because my ideas are coming faster than I can write them. As I mentioned last time, vacation slowed me down. I’ve been working from behind for about a month.

But I have a ton of great little things I want to share with you, vignette style.

Saved by Scholastic

I don’t know whether it’s common knowledge, but mayonnaise is different in the Western US. As we settled into the Airbnb in Pullman, Washington, for the July 4th holiday, my wife placed a grocery order and wondered aloud that Wal*Mart was “out” of Hellmann’s Mayonnaise, though it was available for shipping. She was as baffled by the notion that Walmart would be out of Hellmann’s as she was that they would mail it.

I told her they didn’t sell that brand out west and that “Best Foods” was the Western version (actually, I thought it was called “Real” in the West).

I remembered it from a book of oddities I got in the 7th grade. It had a bunch of questions and answers about science and culture. One of them was, “Why Can’t I Buy Hellmann’s Mayonnaise in California?”

Apparently, Hellmann’s and Best were competitors who each had carved out absolute market dominance in the East and West, respectively. When they merged, they didn’t want to endanger their market share by replacing one with the other. The fact tantalized me at the time, but I had all but forgotten about it until recently.

“Best” is a little more savory, as if they use an extra 1/4 teaspoon of vinegar (or whatever) when they make it. That difference mattered to enough people that it was easier to have two different mayos with the same branding (from back when they planned to merge them) and distinct names.

In fact, my daughter said she only had just realized she wasn’t buying Hellmann’s when I told her because she never looked at the label.

I Care What AI Thinks of Me

I told this story on Day Drinking on Delmarva.

It’s more important that AI doesn’t think I’m racist than it is that people don’t. I wouldn’t have thought that until I tried to watch a terrible (I didn’t know it was bad at the time) Denzel Washington/Ryan Reynolds movie called “Safe.”

I had gotten kicked out of Prime during the opening credits, rebooted the TV, and searched for the movie. Two different preview photos came up, one with Reynolds and the other with Washington.

When I was on vacation last year, I stayed in an Airbnb that (I imagine) had been occupied by a Black family the week before. That’s when I learned there was a “Black” Netflix with dozens of shows and movies that I never had heard of. It bothered me that the streamer didn’t think I’d be interested in entertainment that wasn’t all about White people, so I’ve always been sensitive to the algorithm.

With that in mind, I clicked on the preview with Denzel as a way of letting Amazon know I wasn’t averse to clicking on shows featuring Black people.

This is what it said:

Meanwhile, the version with Reynolds on the cover said this:

How could it not be available with Washington but available with Reynolds? I’m beginning to believe there might be a Black Prime as well, featuring movies that Amazon believes I’m too White to enjoy. What’s amusing is that even though I’ve never clicked on Anime, Amazon thinks I might.

Anyway, if any Black readers want to check and see if they can’t watch the Ryan Reynolds one but CAN watch the Denzel Washington one, send me some screenshots and maybe we can find a media reporter to blow this whole scam open.

Past-Post

I mentioned before that I like to send kooky postcards with oblique messages on them. I buy the postcards at junk shops if they’re a quarter or less. It’s weird. A lot of those places charge $3-$4 per postcard because I guess people collect them. I’m old enough to remember when postcards were free at hotels and travel stops, so even paying $1 seems like a lot to me, especially since I’m just going to do something goofy with them.

I found a postcard that was written and addressed but never mailed, so I mailed it.

This week, I sent a follow-up note to the family that lives in that house, letting them know I wasn’t some stalker and inviting them to tell me if they knew the people to whom the card was addressed in 1979.

I’ll let you know if they write back. I probably should have given them my email address, but I didn’t want to seem too aggressive about getting in touch.

I’m pretty sure Franz is dead by now either way.

Also, just a reminder that you can check out my “Notes” posts here. I’m occasionally on Threads, but this is the best place to follow me.

Daredevil

I drove up one of the world’s most dangerous roads, the “Spiral Highway.” The state built it to help those new-fangled horseless carriages navigate the 2000+ foot decent/ascent between Lewiston, Idaho to Genesee, Washington

I’m a confident driver and rarely get freaked out, but when my wife told me that lots of people die on this mostly empty backroads, it pricked up my ears. I didn’t look out any of the side windows for fear of drifting over the edge and my heart raced the entire time, but I absolutely would do it again.

There’s something very cool about seeing the road ahead of you out of the corner of your eye.

Here’s a time-lapse:

Going down must be heart-attack-inducing because all you can do is use your brakes and hope they don’t fail.

Keep the Faith,

Tony

Postscript

I’m the new president of the Maryland Writers Association Lower Eastern Shore Chapter. I started a Substack for the chapter. It will be a monthly affair with links to things members have written and other literary updates.

One fun thing we did this month was the “Exquisite Corpse.” The way it works is someone writes the first line of a story and the next person writes the second line. The third person can only see the second line and so on and so forth until the story is over.

The one we got turned out pretty well. Here’s a link if you want to see it.

I’ll have a book review out next week, but beyond that, I have little to share. Have a great week.

TR